FullyClothedMen

Incoherent Innuendos

INTERIOR: COMPUTER STORE: HELP DESK

A worker, Jenkins, just gets through with a customer.

JENKINS: Hello, sir, May I help you?

A man walks up to the help desk.

MAN: Yes, I seem to have a problem with my computer.

JENKINS: That’s a nice shirt. I like it a lot.

MAN: Uh... thanks. Now about my computer...

JENKINS: Yeah. Is your unit hard or floppy?

MAN: I’m sorry?

JENKINS: I said, what kind of system is it?

MAN: Oh. Uh, It’s an IBM 133K-6, with a 3 gig. Hard drive, 24x CD Rom, with an HP-7200I CD-RW.

JENKINS: I’d like to touch that hard drive of yours.

MAN: Well, anyway, whenever I boot up my system, this weird pattern appears, and my computer plays a laughing noise. Why do you think it does this?

JENKINS: I’ve been tested for ‘em all, and I’m healthy as can be. How ‘bout you? Do you have any diseases that could be transferred?

MAN: Excuse me?!

JENKINS: I said, do you have internet access and recently downloaded something from an unknown source?

MAN: But that’s not what you just said.

JENKINS: Yes, sir, I believe it is.

MAN: No, you said something else.

JENKINS: I’m sorry, sir, but we’re terribly busy, and I’ve got other customers that need my help too. I just think you’re hot, that’s all.

MAN: See? Didn’t you just say that you’re physically attracted to me?

JENKINS: Nooo. I said maybe you’re hearing things.

MAN: But before you asked if I was tested for diseases?

JENKINS: No. Not you. [laughs] The computer, sir. I think it may be a virus. You may have downloaded it off the web. I suggest some antiviral software. Norton is good,--

MAN: Oh, good. I thought you were quite odd and I was crazy for a moment there.

JENKINS: …I think Norton is good, but you’d probably be better.

MAN: See? That was completely uncalled for.

JENKINS: Now, sir, let’s not start this again.

MAN: Where’s your manager? Let me speak with him!

JENKINS: But... I was--

MAN: No! This has gone far enough! I demand to speak with your supervisor!

JENKINS: Okay, but--

CUSTOMER IN LINE (CIL): Come on! What’s the hold up?

JENKINS: I’m sorry, sir; we’re having... difficulties. Just please try to keep your pants on. Or don’t, it’s your choice. But I’d prefer you took them off.

Jenkins winks at CIL

MAN: Did you hear that? THAT is what the problem is!

CIL: Hear what? He said someone else is coming to help the rest of us in line.

MAN: No he didn’t! He said... Never mind!

MAN turns away in disgust as the manager walks up.

MANAGER: What’s the problem?

MAN: Well, This worker of yours keeps making inappropriate and rude comments to me.

MANAGER: Jenkins?!

JENKINS: No, sir, I didn’t. I’m trying to solve his computer problem, and he keeps accusing me of saying these things.

MANAGER turns to MAN.

MANAGER: Well?

MAN: It’s true! He even asked that guy to take off his pants!

CIL: No, I think he’s hearing things. He said someone will be along shortly to help me.

MANAGER: Darn, so you’re not going to take off your pants?

CIL: No, I haven’t been helped yet. Can you send someone over? I just have a quick question.

MANAGER: Yeah, I’ll have someone get right on you.

MAN stands astonished and baffled.

CIL: Thanks.

MAN: But you…Him…

MANAGER: What? Now I’m saying the ‘rude comments?’ No. I think you’re hearing things, sir. So what are you doing tonight?

MAN: I beg your pardon? One more and I’m calling my lawyer!

MANAGER: Sir, you’re as nutty as a fruitcake. Like us.

MAN: WHAT?

MANAGER: Now that everything’s settled, Jenkins: keep up the good work.

MANAGER walks away.

JENKINS: Okay, sir, where were we? Oh, yes. Your computer virus. It sounds to me like one called ‘Lost Viking.’

MAN: Okay, and you said Norton would fix it?

JENKINS: Yeah. Now what did you say you were doing tonight?

MAN: That’s it! I’m outta here! You can expect a phone call from my lawyer!

MANAGER walks up.

MANAGER: So did you get his phone number?

JENKINS: No, he was too stubborn.

MANAGER: Well, better luck with the next one.

They both chuckle.

JENKINS: Yeah, it was he. He was next.

JENKINS motions to CIL.

JENKINS: I think you’re good-looking, too, sir.

CIL: Yeah! You’re right! How’d you know? That’s amazing! I did run out of memory! Is there a cheap way to get more?

Camera zooms back, and fades out.

 

 

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